The Picture Perfect American Housewife…

7:13:00 PM

I am not.

June Cleaver – eat your heart out.  This is the way, I – a modern American housewife – do things.  I refuse to vacuum in heels and pearls. (and now that I think about it, I am highly suspect that you ever did either…)  And I’m going to now spill the beans…prepare to blush Ms. Cleaver – times have changed.

(Warning – this post is filled with sarcasm – Ammon’s been out of town all week, and Mommy needs a serious break…)

1. Sometimes instead of emptying the entire dishwasher before loading it again I’ll leave the silverware in there and just re-wash them.  I don’t know why we even have a silverware drawer anyway.  When it comes to looking for a fork or spoon in our house, instead of going to the silverware drawer the family always asks “Is the dishwasher Clean?” first.

2. I have been known, on occasion, to let my kids have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or even sometimes *gasp* cereal for dinner.  I even *let* them make it themselves.  They think its teaching them a valuable life skill (like how to survive on cheerios and peanut butter thru college) – in reality, mom did about 80 batches of laundry today, and cleaned up who knows what from under the beds and table and making dinner is the last thing I want to do.

3.  I admit it, I do use television from time to time as an escape clause.  Sometimes, mommy just needs a little break and if Dora can help me get that, then I’m okay with that.

4.  I wash the towels last on laundry day on purpose.  If that batch sits in the dryer for a week until the next laundry day – then nobody has to go to work or school wrinkled.  It’s diabolical I know.

5. I do have a candy stash, and I do know how to use it.  Either for a moment to myself or for bribery – that stash has saved me many days.

6. I have mopped the kitchen floor with two washrags under my feet – ice skating style.  We all do it.  (and if you didn’t before, you are thinking about doing it now…)

7.  I have hidden the batteries out of loud and obnoxious toys and told my children the toy broke.  Technically this is not lying.  It won’t work without the batteries.  Won’t work=broken, so there.

8.  When I clean out the fridge, instead of trying to wash some of those containers that hold mystery science experiments – I will just throw them away.  I discovered disposable GladWare about three years ago, and on days like this, it has become my new best friend.

9.  When unexpected company arrives – I have, on occasion – filled my oven, dryer and dishwasher with various things lying on the floor in the rooms in which my guest might visit.  The house looks clean, and nobody is the wiser – besides – what’s the chance that an unexpected guest might open a closet?  Pretty high --- but what are the chances they are going to open up the oven?

10. Finally, the real truth behind pizza night…much like number two above, however the clean up after pizza night is much, much less.  Pizza night cleanup involves picking up the box and throwing it away.  Cleaning up after kids making their own pb&j sandwiches?  Let’s just say it’s significantly more work.

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  1. alright, modern housewife, now you're giving all our secrets away... :)